We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
my poor anus
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
