I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
