is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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