o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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