One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
