My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
