I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
