Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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