I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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