This girl is more easily done than said...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
