After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize