I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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