i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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