You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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