He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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