she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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