Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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