i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize