WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
