If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
