I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize