gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize