You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
