omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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