I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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