Tell her she can't have a vagina
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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