Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
