The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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