you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
