im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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