I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
