I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
