You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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