and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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