How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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