im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
