if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
