You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
