Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He did a backflip because drugs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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