Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
