so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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