"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
