We're like a lot better than the average bears
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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