The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
