Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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