I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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