i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
