I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
