if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
