i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I miss vodka workout Fridays
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
