y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
