Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize