In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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