I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Who died my cat blue again?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
