Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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