Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
