Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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