I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
