This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
