I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
