True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize