Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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