well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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