We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Even my vagina gasped.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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