new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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