just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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