life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
