I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
