I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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